oh. hey. that's me.
My knuckles are raw. Some days this whole journey I’m going through feels like a fight. One or two punches slip through and everything gets a little blurry and it takes a little bit to regain my bearings. As a fighter has to beat his opponent I have to finish what I started even if it kills me.
Ever since I was a kid I never knew when to stop. I remember the one day I ran so hard at football practice that I literally fell to my knees and threw up. Of course my colleagues cheered me on when I felt like I was dying on the field. I got up and continued.
It’s so true you never know what you have inside of you until you are just broken down. Finals are coming up. I’m a little burnt out but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am happy with how I handled this year. Though not like undergrad…. I still got to be me and hang out with good friends. I made amazing new friends. I know so much about the human body I could just talk for days about it. I’m a different person from what I was 36 weeks ago. A better person yes for sure.
But as I hear the bell and go back to my corner for a drink and some advice from my coach, the reality is all too real that this year… my first year … was only the first round of many. My friends and family keep telling me to fight on. I can only pray that I have the potential that I think I have. The rest is up to God.
My job as a doctor will not be to make people happy. Although happiness and health have the obvious direct relationship. My job will be to make people feel.
Nothing makes life more empty than going through it not feeling all of the ups and downs. I want my patients to be able to feel the pain of life and the joys of life. This world has too many amazing things to experience, too many amazing people to meet, and too many things to change to be numb to it all. I associate bad health with numbness. When you have a disease or a dysfunction of the body that is all you think about 24/7. It gets more clear to me with each passing day of medical school what I have to do.
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Other than that medical school has been no walk through the park. It wares me out and I feel as if im tired all the time. Thank God for the friends that stand by me through this time of my life because with out them I would never be able to do what I do.
I can’t wait for the summer ;)
About DOCTORS: Somebody asked: “You’re a Doctor?!? That’s cool, I wanted to do that when I was a kid. How much do you make?” The Doctor replied: “HOW MUCH DO I MAKE?” … I can make holding your hand seem like the most important thing in the world when you’re scared… I can make your child breathe when they stop…I can help your father survive a heart attack…I can make myself get …up at 4AM to make sure your mother has the medicine she needs to live…and I will work straight through until 4am to keep her alive and start the day all over again! I work all day to save the lives of strangers…I will drop everything and run a code for hours trying to keep you alive!!! I make my family wait for dinner until I know your family member is taken care of…I make myself skip lunch so that I can make sure that everything I did for your wife today was correct…I work weekends and holidays and all through the night because people don’t just get sick Monday thru Friday and during normal working hours. Today, I might save your life. How much do I make? All I know is, I make a difference.
I was home a few weeks ago and as usual I would will myself out of bed extra early to go to a daily mass with my Grandma. I admire her so much for being so strong and being a great foundation for my moms side of the family. She loves it when I go to church with her. The last time I went though, she urged me to go to confession.
I sat there looking at the priest as he asked me “What would you like to confess to the lord today”
Usually these things are for secret but I think that what I learned in that confession room all people could learn from.
…..”Look Father, I have friends who are Gay, Not Catholic, and ones who don’t believe in God or Jesus but they are amazing people. They don’t do any harm and they are good. How am I supposed to believe they’ll go to hell?”
The priest just laughed at me and said “Why would they, God wouldn’t let them go to hell if they were good people”
I liked that answer.
I think the worst feeling is feeling unimportant to someone who is important to you.
